Glass Half Full

Robert’s Story

Twelve months ago, almost to the day, I was sat in a homeless hostel mid meltdown wondering whether to take a meat cleaver to the door of my neighbour who had one song on constant repeat at street-level volume, or to myself. I needed to be as far away from the human race as physically possible and this guy was invading my head. I didn’t know whether to kill him, or myself. It was a very close call – for both of us!

The line “keep my glass full until morning light – I’m just holding on for tonight” from the song being repeatedly played, stuck in my head. Music has always kept me going and this was no exception. I kept going until morning light. Every day just counting the hours till sleep, and so escape. As Hawkwind said, ‘Hurry on sundown’. All I existed for was the hope that tomorrow would bring some luck. It never did.

I had been diagnosed with a borderline personality disorder. This diagnosis had many supposed ‘professionals’ running for the hills. You are seen as needy, aggressive, manipulative and attention-seeking.

Now imagine that you KNOW that the diagnosis was wrong but every time you complain to a GP, you’re seen as attention seeking. Every time you lose your temper it just reinforces the view that you’re labile or ‘acting out’. Every time you admit you can’t go on with life you reinforce their diagnosis of BPD. YOU ARE FUCKED. It is like being in a glass box. No matter how loud you shout they nod smilingly, pat you on the head, and usher you out.

Keep holding on for the light

Wind forward twelve months and holding on for the light has paid off.

Due to the severity of my predicament I qualified for social housing in a brand new eco flat on a quiet estate. I am now digesting that after four hours with the top BPD experts in Bristol, I have been told that I’m not BPD, I am most likely ADHD – something I’ve been trying to tell people for the last two years! I finally have a voice!

I’m going to swing from the fucking chandelier. I will never forget the song, for both these reasons.

Then AND now.

I am not cured, I never will be. But I know my enemy now. The battle starts, it will be good.

Peace, out.