15 years ago the dark clouds of depression crept into my 29 year old mind.
The entire story of my life up until then was about to be rewritten, and the long term effects would dig their claws in for a long time to come.

March 1999 my daughter came into the world at a time where my perceived idealisms as a provider for my family were being pushed to the limit.

Out of work, out of money and too proud to ask for help. I can recall the day I slipped, we had gone to WINZ to see if we could receive some emergency support for a week or two. When the lady turned to my wife stone faced and said, sorry but you own your house so we cannot help you at this time you would have to have a stand period.

That’s when my wife, whom is my rock crumbled andI took the entire weight of the blame for having us end up here.

The mind is a funny thing and I managed to hold myself together by staying busy round the house telling my self that things will work out they always did.

My daughter was born 12th of March 1999, mum and baby stayed in hospital for the night and I went home for what I thought would be some needed sleep.
It was around 2am when the panic attack came from the darkness and hit me like a Tyson upper cut.
Shaking and out of breath I could not comprehend what was happening. I was so shaken up I ended up on the couch at Mum and Dads under the pretence that I was too wired to sleep.
My darling daughter came home and I thought that I would have a grip on the situation, then Bang! The dreaded what if?s and blame invited its self to stay.

I just started to cry, this was supposed to be the exciting time, the bonding time, the dad time. Two weeks later all sorts of thoughts and vicious in fighting with my own mind my wife finally said you need help and not from me.

We made it after a long hard road and I had built up what I thought were some pretty strong defences along the way.

So I thought?

Spin forward 15 years. Lots of work, two teenage daughters, late nights, finding solace in a bottle, pushing the limits of my fidelity and catching up with my wife where I could.
I did not see it but I was going too fast and had nobrakes.

Bang!! Return match with Tyson round two!!

This time I was aware of the damage this could do I dropped the staunch defences put down the walls and asked for help. Much to the relief of my family I managed to stop the free fall and find a place that was manageable.

So once again I look down the barrel but this time I know I can come out, it will take time but I know that I will come out.

What?s done is done you can not change the past.

Ask for help no man is an island.